“i am thom james @iamthomjames
“Margaret Atwood The Movie: How Re-Tweeting Anything/Everything Gave Me A Repetitive Strain Injury” ~ cinemas near u 2016”
probably the realest tweet in the world rn.
great look what you have done now
you have made the fucking squid multiply into a thousand beings
and now it is going to kill us all
i will run upstairs
i will shout:
and sylvia plath and ted hughes will look at me
and i will say
“HE MADE THE FUCKING SQUID MULTIPLY INTO A THOUSAND BEINGS”
they will look at me
pat me on the back
and give me praise for my artistic merit
and then go back to being depressed and writing about animals
wow i have more imagination than the both of them
Two men are sitting next to each other. Brown leather chairs, centre stage. White paper covers any object that appears to be a belonging or a piece of furniture. A glum lighting resides on the stage. A constant drip will be coming from a tap which is just about lit. To the left of the stage is a kitchenette. It appears as if the two men are in a shared flat.
Samuel is wearing a grey make shift suit. It is not really a suit because it isn’t that appealing. All suits are to make you look better than you actually look. This suit does the opposite, therefore it is not a proper suit. He is a balding man of only around 34. He has no wedding ring and hair that crawls out of his face. His voice is harsh.
Jon has hair behind his head because it has grown out. We don’t know why it is grown out, the audience can probably guess. They can do the work. He is also wearing the exactly same suit. His eyes are closer together compared to Samuel. He is also taller, and thinner. He is wearing black socks. His voice is monotonous.
There must be no physical contact between the two.
Man One/Samuel: I’ve been listening to Rachmaninov.
Man Two/Jon: Why?
Man One/Samuel: I like the way he plays the piano.
Man Two/Jon: Does he play piano?
Man One/Samuel: I think so.
Samuel takes off his hat. He looks directly to the wall above him. The wall known as the roof. Jon looks directly towards the audience, with his left foot resting on his right knee. It shakes. It doesn’t stop. Samuel repeats himself needlessly.
Man One/Samuel: I think so.
Samuel goes to the tap. He turns it on, and a constant stream of water pours.
Man One/Samuel: You will have to fix that tap some time.
Samuel takes water from the tap. He pours the hand full over his face. It is physically cathartic - it is shown in a sigh.
Man Two/Jon: Why do I have to fix it? Why can’t you?
Man One/Samuel: I do everything.
Man Two/Jon: You don’t do anything, do you?
Samuel goes back to the chair with water dripping off his face onto the ground. He takes a white sheet of paper to wipe his face with. The paper becomes crumpled, physically attached to his face. Jon walks up to him with a pencil and sketches the outline of his facial features.
Man Two/Jon: I’m an artist.
They both laugh.
Samuel is now on the right stage. He is sitting by a piano, reciting a Rachmaninov piece. It must be around 12:41 am. Jon walks up behind the piano, clicking his fingers as if he were playing a jazz piece. But he wasn’t. He isn’t. Whatever tense it doesn’t matter.
Man Two/Jon: Yeah, I love that piece. Yeah it’s like, wow. Holy Jesus! Hahah, yeah I remember the first time I heard it. It was my wedding night, wow, a beautiful woman, and… It was a great time, you know. The second time I heard the piece was when I was feeding the sparrows. They could feel the musical energy man, yeah, I love it when the happens, haha.
Samuel does not listen. He keeps on playing.
Man Two/Jon: I’ve never told you about Natalie have I? Wow, a great girl. A really great woman. Her family always said she’d be a real famous actress. Now look at her! On the stage, dancing! Dancing that heart out!
Jon takes to centre stage. He puts his arms out and starts dancing along to the music. He smiles incessantly.
Man Two/Jon: A real golden woman! She will be a name! A star! Her name in the movie theatre… People will love her!Absolutely! Just like I did! More! Hah, yes. Yes.
This carries on for around five minutes.
Man One/Samuel: I really like that piece.
Man Two/Jon: Yeah, I really love that piece.
Man One/Samuel: I remember when I once heard it.
They turn to each other, Samuel looking towards stage left, Jon looking towards stage right.
Man One/Samuel: It was my Mother’s wedding night.
Man Two/Jon: How does that even work?
Man One/Samuel: I don’t know.
Man Two/Jon: Bastard.
Lights fade out.
Jon and Samuel are stood outside. Under lamp light. The time is around 1:35am and the reason they know this is because they look at their watch. They have one between them because two would be useless. You never need two of anything. They are caving into themselves. They have their hands in their pockets and their chins resting on their scarves. Their coats and grey and long. Their scarves are black and long.
Every time Samuel says a noun he must stamp his right foot.
Man One/Samuel: God damn it Holy shit Jesus CHRIST I mean really fucking Hell I mean what the Hell For Gods sake Seriously Jesus Oh my Lord My God
Man Two/Jon: What is the matter?
Man One/Samuel: God knows.
They wait a few minutes whilst thinking about whatever wastes their time efficiently. A taxi cab pulls up a few minutes later.
Man One/Samuel: You can get in first.
Man Two/Jon: I don’t think I want to.
Man One/Samuel: What do you mean you don’t want to? What has gotten into you?
The Taxi Cab Drivers gets out of the cab and stands with them under the lamp light, he does not say anything, he just smiles.
Man Two/Jon: Do you mind if I drive instead? I feel much more comfortable if I do that. I’ve driven cabs before. I know my way around town. Hell, even around the whole city! Hah.
The Taxi Cab Driver nods and gets in the back of the cab.
They drive off.
Jon is driving the taxi cab and the time is around 2:04am, they look outside the left window and there is a brawl outside a dive bar. They look together at exactly the same moment, averaging 3 seconds for their heads to fully turn 90 degrees back to the front. Jon takes his hands off the steering wheel for a moment to itch the back of his head. They slow down and speed up according to the traffic on the road.
Samuel: I would like to go and see that new film. I heard it had some really great reviews. How about it, Jon? What do you think?
Jon carries on driving. The Taxi Cab Driver has his eyes permanently fixed upon Samuel’s face. He is around 64 in human years. He has not yet gone. Gone into retirement. He is smiling. He is still smiling. He puts his left hand on the right side of Samuel’s face. He is smiling. He is still smiling.
Samuel tries to talk to Jon.
Samuel: Old Stan said that the actress was a real looker. With long blonde hair, red lips, white dress, and eyes as black as coal.
Samuel: Hah, yeah, I knew that’d interest you, Jon. I think she has been in a film before. Or maybe she’s a new actress. That’s really fine. Imagine being on the big screen Jon, just imagine it. With your hair all nicely cut, and your suit the latest suit from the finest tailors in town! Oh it would be grand, wouldn’t it Jon? Wouldn’t it be grand?
The Taxi Cab Driver still has his hand on Samuel’s face, as if it is now permanently fixed there. Samuel looks towards the Taxi Cab Driver.
Samuel: Wouldn’t you love to be an actor, Sir? With all those fancy things.
The Taxi Cab Driver nods. Samuel turns back to Jon.
Samuel: So how about it? Are we going to see the movie?
There is a silence for a few seconds.
Jon: Samuel, we are the movie.
Jon: We are the movie.
Samuel: No we’re not. Don’t be so silly, hahahah. I am laughing.
The taxi cab halts.
Jon: Why are you laughing?
Samuel: Because what you said was funny.
Jon: No it wasn’t, it wasn’t funny. It wasn’t funny, God damn it. It wasn’t.
Samuel: If it wasn’t funny, what did you mean by it?
Jon: Everything apart from hilarity.
Jon carries on driving.
Samuel: Old Stan is a good guy. He works in that pawn shop eight days a week! Night and day. All so he can have an extravegant wedding for his Wife. She said that she wanted a Jazz Band and a Cocktail Bar and Dancers and to Last all through the night!
Jon: I thought you wanted to see that God damn film?
Samuel: I do, I really do. Of course I do! Don’t you Jon? Don’t you want to see the film?
Jon: I don’t know. Let me think about it.
Samuel: OK John, think about it for a while, go over it a few times in your head. You don’t have to see it if you don’t want to! I mean, Old Stan said that-
Jon crashes the car.
wow, ok, imagine we are in the middle ages :)
we’re just sitting down
i would be over half of my average life expectancy
when people lived to like, 32.
i would have had my mid-life stupid thing by now :)
i would have bought cars and tailored suits
but because this is the middle ages
i would buy an old car like,
a saxo or something :(
i would tell my other half
“i am a father to 8 off springs”
“i shall have my fun”
“i will talk to the next door neighbour if i want”
see ya i need to graze some cows now
HAPPY APRIL FOOL’S FOOL, HERE’S WHY APRIL WAS GREAT:
1. i wrote a review on the brilliant Heavy Feather Review (http://www.heavyfeatherreview.com/) for Banangolit http://banangolit.com/post/20532359693/review-heavy-feather-review-volume-1-issue-1
2. Specter Magazine (http://www.spectermagazine.com/) accepted a piece of fiction and will feature soon
3. Montreal based Ribbon Pig Press (http://ribbonpig.ca/words/) are printing 2 poems for their second volume, definite hi-lite of the month
4. Internet Poetry (http://internetpoetry.tumblr.com/) put up an imago macro excerpt from ‘untitled collection 1’, i put in a question and i got answers. (thanks Steve Roggenbuck for reblogging, boost) http://internetpoetry.tumblr.com/post/21752888470
5. the maverick that is Paul Cunningham (http://pecunningham.tumblr.com/) published an image macro that I created entitled S T E A K on his creation (http://soulsearchpoems.tumblr.com/)
6. Marco Polo Arts Magazine (http://www.marcopoloartsmag.com/) put up a short short entitled ‘guts//baggage’
7. ‘JESUS BURY ME ALREADY’ will be an e-book of collected poetry that i wrote, coming out soon, through a great great publisher
8. Rachel Hyman and Justin Carter put together Banangolit’s journal Banango Street out. the first issue includes some great writers. personal favourite being robert duncan gray. http://banangostreet.com/
OTHER FINDINGS/LOOK TO MAY:
Brighton based art/lit collective ‘any persan HALP me’ will be publishing their first zine in May, that will be a beautiful thing
Carrie Lorig wrote good (http://swinemag.com/?page_id=462)
I <3 Joe Vaughan’s image macros (http://joe-vaughan.tumblr.com/post/20084599639/whens-the-last-time-it-rained-in-phoenix)
Chadwick Redden, King of NAP (http://naplitmag.com/) wrote a thing and it’s being published via plain wrap press and it’s on presale here so get it now jesus christ: http://plainwrap.tumblr.com/